Office Butt

You’ve never heard of the disease before, either? Neither had I. Until my lovely husband informed me of it.

Let’s face it. My wedding bod is long gone. I should probably hold a funeral for it. Mostly so I can mourn my loss (or gain, literally, I should say). You know, thinking about my 115 lb body and lovehandle-less waistline is a bitter sweet experience for me. It had been a very long time since I had walked this earth without those lovehandles, and you know – I didn’t miss them. Not one bit. I was almost a size 0… and the kicker is I still thought I was a little on the chubby side. Like I said, thinking about this is bittersweet – the fact that I willingly gave my self a healthy, structured diet and exercise routine and had a pretty cute body makes me feel so accomplished. And then I think about how I “let myself go” – I hang my head in shame. All that hard work turned back into playdough. To make myself feel better, I do, in fact recognize that this happens to a lot of girls. Work really hard for their wedding day, and then a year later they find themselves where they started, or worse. So that’s cool, I’m among the masses.

But then I see moms with 6 kids and they look like they could go head-to-head in a bikini contest with Jennifer Aniston and win.

I have no excuse.

Let me explain to you how my awakening began.

(Circa April 2010)

Lance: Ash, you have a ghetto booty.

Ashley: Interesting.

Lance: No, I mean it’s hot. It’s like, the perfect size big. You know, like J.LO. I can’t decide though if it got any bigger if it would still be hot or you’d just have a fat butt.

Ashley: Interesting.

(Move to June – last week)

Lance: Hey Ash, have you heard about Office Butt?

Ashley: hahhahahaha…hahahahhah!! What?

Lance: No, dude for real. It exists.

Ashley: Lance, what are you talking about?

Lance: I read an article or something.

Ashley: Okay, what’s Office Butt?

Lance: You know, like – your upper half stays the same size, but your butt grows big and forms to what the size of your chair is. I think its to protect your butt because you’re sitting on it all day. It’s your body’s way of adapting to your environment.

Ashley: Lance that’s a crock. Hahaha… That’s kind of ridiculous.

Lance: No dude, think about it, it makes sense. You’re sitting still all day, not burning any calories.

Ashley: Hm, kind of.

(fast forward to a few days later)

Johanna (Lance’s friend Joey’s wife): Did you know that if you have a desk job and work all day, doing a 3 hour intense work out daily still won’t make up for the calories you didn’t burn at your desk.

Lance: HA! SEE! Office Butt DOES exist!

And here we are.

After that conversation, I realized Lance was so fixated on the whole Office Butt theory because he thinks I HAVE OFFICE BUTT. Hahaha. Okay, cool. I can take a (gentle) hint. I had been running between 2-4 miles randomly throughout the weeks (mostly for my sanity- I had to take Zoe out to get all her excessive energy released) – but I have now kicked it in gear. I religiously run 2-4 miles daily, and now I’m going back to the gym with my hubs aka drill sergeant. The first day back at the gym, he made me RUN TO THE GYM (it’s very uphill most of the way) and then do legs/squats (surprising? Hahah no. He wants Office Butt gone, apparently.) and then I came home and did the Nordic Trac Ab Roller. Which, if you’ve never used one, is so freaking hard. I mean, its HARD. I could do 3 rolls (with good form) and then I laid on the floor like someone had just stomped on my stomach muscles (possibly someone with Office Butt?). But I loved it. The next day my entire body ached and I felt like I had been put through a garbage disposal, but it was the good kind of hurt. I’ve taken out all unnecessary carbohydrates (such as rolls, slices of bread, pasta etc), and eliminated unnecessary/unnatural sugars (like icecream etc.)

My diet is back on the WeddingBod plan – LOTS of green veggies (asparagus, broccoli, spinach), lots of veggies in general, medium amounts of fruits (steering clear of pineapple and high-sugar fruits) and monitoring portions. It actually is pretty tasty AND I feel more energized and light (ha, imagine that.) Lance calls me a Recovering Carb Addict, so this is pretty big for me.

So here I am, a week later. It’s amazing how our bodies have muscle memory. My good friends, the LoveHandles, are almost gone. This, my friends, is amazing. Never in my life have they disappeared so quickly. However, Office Butt (and Thighs) apparently are going to be a bigger task to tackle. I know you’re on the edge of your seat, so I’ll keep you intermittently posted on my progress.

So that, my friends, is the Office Butt Disease.(Which is now a regular phrase we use.) I hope you’re not suffering like I am.

OH, and note to self - and you. Be happy with your body, and be healthy. It's easy to not be that way.